Bathtime: an expose OR Bathtime Exposed

Warning:

this post is likely to contain the words “penis” and “balls”. Continue at your own risk.

Bathtime has always been my favorite pastime. When I was little, I’d stay in the bath until I was pruney.  I know so many people that are like, “ew, how can you just sit in your own filth?” and it’s like… I don’t get into the bath after mud wrestling. Sorry you’re so dirty you can’t get in the bath and enjoy it, but I’m relatively clean when I hop into a steaming hot bath full of bubbles and epsom salts!  Especially now that I’m training for a half marathon (omg, haha so lame, but yeah, I’m doing it), I need a bath at the end of the day to soak my swollen and growing muscles. I watch Netflix in the bath, read magazines and sometimes I even text my friends – sorry y’all, sometimes I’m texting you from the tub. Maybe a nice visual, but also could be one that haunts you, so…. you’re welcome or I’m sorry.  I recently moved upstairs to my parent’s old bedroom where the only tub in the house is, so now I take one Every. Night.  I can’t go to be bed until I’ve had my bath. I just LOVE BATHS…. well, lovED baths until something that happened the other day.

Here’s a little back story before we jump full frontal into my story. My whole family loves baths! My dad could soak in the tub for hours. And frequently did when I was growing up.  Lately, though, he typically is given a shower by Vicki with occasional assistance from me. At this point in the game, it’s not unusual or weird for me to see my dad’s naked, very old body. And while the shower is easier, my dad often refuses to get into it so sometimes it’s just easier for everyone if we haul Dad up the stairs and into the master bath tub. The other day, we did just that. Vicki shaved him and washed his hair. Then we left him alone to soak and get his mucles nice and relaxed… so relaxed in fact they become like wet noodles. Until this particular day, Vicki has struggled alone to get dad OUT of the bath, but I happened to be around and assisted. Let me … paint the picture:

My 84 Year Old Dad with Alzheimer’s who has Been Soaking in the Tub for an Hour Getting Out of the Tub

We drain the tub. I crawl in behind my dad and wrap my arms under his armpits and hike him up. I scoot him to the edge where he can rest. I’m still holding him, one leg in and one leg out of the tub. Vicki lifts one of Dad’s legs out. We are now both straddling the edge of the tub. Vicki starts to dry his… for lack of a better term, PENIS. BUT I’M STILL HOLDING HIM. He reacts in a way I can’t really describe. It’s kind of laughter, kind of like “ouch”, kind of like he … enjoyed it. Vicki is dying laughing. I am dying… dying. And I scream “PLEASE DON’T DO THAT WHILE I’M HOLDING HIM!” Which makes Vicki laugh even harder. She’s never physically given birth to anyone, but still claims that as you get older you can lose control of your bladder… and she was saying something like that at the time… and scolding me for making her laugh… So…. Dad’s laughing, Vicki’s laughing and I’m… trying to forget I’m alive.

Somehow, I survive that.  My dad is in his birthday suit being shuffled and held up by Vicki and myself to my bed where he can sit and we can get his clothes on. But somehow, my dad has grabbed my hair turban off the hook and is using it as a penis towel… hm, okay, how do I put this. I love my dad, clearly, very much. And for sure for sure what’s mine is his (but like actually no way what’s mine is mine and you better not touch it) but… I just can’t get over this…

 

Wait. Do y’all know what a hair turban is? It’s essentially this small towel made from micro fiber that you wrap your hair into. It takes out a lot of excess water and is a lot more manageable than a full towel. Especially when you’re trying to put on a sports bra. I’ve learned my lesson the hard way trying to put an already hard thing to put on, on over my head with a full sized towel towering about 38 times too many. You’ve never known true struggle until you’ve tried to put a sports bra on while also having a towel on top of your head. The only thing worse than this is putting a turtleneck on with wet hair. It gets stuck under your shirt and just feels so terrible. 

Okay, so Dad is using MY HAIR TURBAN as a PENIS TOWEL. And it’s like kind of cute that he still has a little modesty around me, but come on, y’all, I’m somewhat desensitized to the whole seeing my dad’s penis and balls. Like, I just am. (I’m not I need years of therapy). So, while I’m happy that my dad had a lucid moment of like “oh, my sweet and gracious and beautiful daughter is here, I should cover my pee pee” it’s like, why did he have to grab the thing I put on my clean hair? Shout out to my girlfriend’s mom who’s gifted me at least 4 hair turbans and sorry for ever thinking more than 1 hair turban is excessive.

Needless to say, bathtime means something a little different to me now. If you read this whole thing then here’s a little video treat. It’s not a joke of any kind. This is what it is like dressing my father.

Ch-ch-ch-choices

I think the most grown-up thing I’ve done recently – besides my taxes … yep, feel inadequate! I already filed my dang taxes! – is realized that I alone am responsible for my choices. I spent a lot of time feeling angry and neglected and disheartened when I moved home to help care for my dad.  I felt resentment toward my hilarious mom (full disclosure: my step-mom, Vicki. Remember, my mom died you heartless moron! From now on, I’ll call my BM (birth mother) “mom” and how about I call Vicki…. “Vicki”).  So, I felt resentment towards Vicki for needing me and really annoyed with my dad for being sick, and just pissed off at the world for making me come home when I have 4 other siblings (all of whom have real, honest-to-God, American dream kind of lives with children and pets and houses and over-rated shit like that). And lets just get real, I’ve felt like that about a lot of things in my life. Mad about going to college in my home state, sad about making as close to no money as possible, disappointed in myself for getting 30 pounds heavier than I ever wanted to be.

But y’all… listen up because THIS. WILL. SET. YOU. FREE.  Those things I’ve been having all these angsty feelings about?  I’ve only myself to blame (or praise).  I mean, I don’t know 100%, but I’m pretty sure my dad can’t help having Alzheimer’s – that’s Alzheimer’s fault, right?  And Vicki has been known to be hard AF in the past, but she didn’t actually ever say, “you better come home or else”.  In fact she said, “I don’t want you to be here if it’s stressing you out” while I had a straight up tantrum.  I am where I am right this second… in my childhood home, living in my parent’s old bedroom (MASTER SUIT BABY!), on this comfy ass bed with a space heater blowing my hair dry… because of CHOICES… get this… THAT I MADE.

Don’t y’all feel better now? I mean, I was wasting all of that energy on all of those feelings and blaming everyone under the sun  – and over the sun or wherever God and Buddha and Krishna and Lao Tzu chill – when really, I was responsible for all those things that happened to me.  Like Hendrix College? I decided to go there and TG because it’s now really killing it in ‘lists of colleges that do awesome shit’ category. So why was I so mad at it? And if I had made more money last year, I probably wouldn’t be getting… wait for it… TWO HUNDRED dollars back from our #blessed government! #rich #killingit And if I hadn’t eaten all of that baked tortellini 2 years ago while I was freezing in Chicago living what I thought was my dream, I wouldn’t be fucking #nailingit at losing weight right now.

So, it’s kinda like this.  What if I accept where I am and what my life is because there’s just no easier way to live?  If I want a different life, unless I win the Powerball (has that happened yet? I should buy a ticket!!!!), I have only myself to hold accountable for that.  And I hate being held accountable, so I might as well just let it all go and enjoy the time I get to spend with my family.  Our moments with loved ones are so precious and our time is way too short.  And I’m way too awesome to stay mad at.

Y’all! This was fun. And you read that whole thing, so here’s a funny pic!

(hahaha what?!?!)

Do you feel set free? I hope so. You’re doing so great and I’m proud of you!

2015

Recap of 2015:

-Worked at hot Pilates studio

-Nannied for President of hot Pilates studio

-Went to Hawaii for the second time to celebrate my girlfriend’s nephews’ 2nd birthday

Top of Koko head in Honolulu with my boo

**************************************************************************************************************************************************

HOLD UP REAL TIME INTERRUPTION, my dad just directed the following statement to me, “I wonder how thick that cloud is”…. UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH… just a little window into the dumb shit he asks me. Like, really? Let me get out the yard stick and measure that cloud… “pretty thick” he just added. Is he talking about the cloud still or my abdomen? No telling with that fool.

*************************************************************************************************************************************************

-Quit studio to nanny full time

-Never nannied full-time, spent all my money, fell in love with little girl I nannied

She loved me tooooooooo!

-Explored Palo Duro Canyon

America, America God shed His grace on thee (remember to check these lyrics… If I care. I don’t)

-Super impulse buy: yoga school. Honestly don’t know who I thought I was, but now I feel like a yogi and that’s all that matters

Here’s my Omie! Omie is like… a play on homie and Om – get it? She’s like… a sorority sister to me! Omie fo lyfe! 

-Lost 14 pounds – thanks yoga school, and weight watchers (before the dumb af smart points system), and my fitness pal – the app and a friend who made me walk with her a lot

If you don’t walk and drink at the same time, you’re … probably … doing it right

-Went on the fastest trip around Europe. Europe is dope. Switzerland is the most beautiful and most expensive place in the world. A grande vanilla latte costs $7.27. I spent $32 at STARBUCKS…. IN SWITZERLAND! In Europe:

OMG! Did y’all think this was in Europe? OMG, haha! It’s in Paris.. TEXAS! Jan 2015

1. Saw London
2. Crossed the English channel
3. Drove from Calais to Amsterdam
4. Ate pizza and saw Anne Frank’s hiding place in Amsterdam
5. Drove to Germany where we 1. took a boat tour on the mother effing Rhine River, ever heard of it? 2. saw one of my best college friends and met her adorable son and learned she was pregnant 3. went to Octoberfest where they served nothing but WINE BC WE WHERE IN WINE COUNTRY?!? I’m sorry, what? The resiling sucked 4. Got stuck in traffic 5. Drove through the black forrest and ate black forrest cake at a… don’t worry… Best Western.
6. Stayed in Lucerne, Switzerland the most beautiful and expensive place in the world.
7. Took a boat cruise around Lake Lucerne – I highly recommend this. 
8. Drove to Paris
9. Walked ten thousand miles looking for the Eiffel Tower. It’s easy to see, but hard to actually find if you’re a dumb American.
10. Saw everything in Paris, even decended into the depth of Hades to see the catacombs which is beyond F@%$ed up. I was fighting anxiety the whole time and also imagining I was Jean Valjean carrying Marius on my back – where my Musical theatre folks at?!?!?!?!?
11. Flew home by way of Charles De Gaulle airport – which was worth the entire trip. Y’all ever seen that aiport? It’s a legit fancy ass mall that has planes export you to other parts of the world. Northpark Mall in Dallas should look into that. 

So fancy, right? Glad I made it in time for Paris Fashion Week! I fit right in! People asked me if I was a model not even once. Because they were probably really intimidated by my model body and style

-Moved home unexpectedly when I was supposed to move to Los Angeles with my sweet girlfriend and devil spawn cat

-Tag team with my Vicki (step-mom) to caregive for my Daddy who has the Alzheimer’s. It got him and it got him bad

-Got bangs and bleached my hair. OMBRE!!!

-Was a Maid of Honor for the first and (hopefully) last time!

One of my best friends – our souls just get each other. Couldn’t be a MOH for anyone else. 

I saw some meme this morning that said “The moment you start acting like life is a blessing it starts feeling like one” which inspired me to reflect on the last year which inspired this enlightening blog post. I think it’s easy to look at our circumstances sometimes and feel really badly about where we are and maybe even WHO we are. I feel like a huge loser sometimes because I’m living with my parents, or like I’m becoming a bitter person but come on! I’m doing something incredible and will never regret this time. Also, look at the last year of my life? It was incredible! I grew and I explored and I challenged myself and I survived. And you did too! We made it through 2015 and if we can survive 2015 then I’m really hoping it means we can survive the upcoming Presidential Election.

Happy New Year, y’all! YOU’RE DOING GREAT!

 

Real Talk

Hi hi!

So, in my last post I mentioned my family going through a hard time.  That was vague and annoying. I’m not one to press for other people’s personal information, but I pride myself on being pretty transparent and when I started this blog one of my main goals was to help other people who might be having a hard time. How can I do that by keeping everything close to the vest?

If you follow me on social media you already know that my dad has Alzheimer’s disease.  My mother died of cancer when my brother and I were 4 years old and my dad had throat cancer 6 years ago.  I only add those details to explain that I know what true sickness looks like and Alzheimer’s is – and I know I’m being bold in saying this – the worst disease I can think of. Not just for my dad, but for my family and especially for my mom (step-mom) and me who are his primary – well, only – caregivers.

I recently watched a Ted Talk about Alzheimer’s with scary statistics and the speaker referred to the families/caregivers as “HIDDEN VICTIMS” of the Alzheimer’s disease.  This was profound for me because I truly feel like a victim, but at the same time feel like if I say that or act like that I am a brat, or weak, or making excuses for how hard life feels right now. I feel like when I heard that term, hidden victim, I was being acknowledged for the sacrifice I’ve made.

I’ll be the first to admit that I used to think that people suffering from Alzheimer’s just were forgetful. And for a long time, that was my dad. He wouldn’t remember ordering at a restaurant 3 minutes after placing an order, he’d call me by someone else’ name, or he’d leave the water running after washing his hands. Now, though, it’s different. Here are a few things that have happened in the last two weeks:

• Dad peed on me
• Dad thinks he’s in Minnesota (we’re in Arkansas) and that it’s the 1960’s and he wants to walk up the street to see his father (who died in 1968).
• Dad recognizes some of his things, but not his house and so,  he starts pointing to paintings and books and yells “mine!”

HAHAHA!  All these things seem harmless and a little funny… until on top of his confusion he gets angry. When you become a caregiver to someone with Alzheimer’s all the doctors and specialists tell you to “live in their reality” and “don’t argue”, but with my dad, who was always a tiny bit of an arrogant asshole (love him to death just speaking my truth), he doesn’t accept an answer and he argues.  He can be verbally abusive and scary. So, when he wants to walk up the street to see his father we have to say, “okay, have fun”, and then the rest goes like this:

• I follow him to make sure he doesn’t fall
• He walks to the carport and usually tries to break into my car
• He gets frustrated and comes back into the house
• We suggest he waits until after dinner when ‘we know his father will be home’
• He screams something like, “he’s MY father. If I want to see him I’ll see him! I don’t even know if he’s up there, but I feel like I should try to see him.”
• We try to calm him down and eventually say, “let’s all go”
• We get in the car
• Dad screams at me “LEFT” “RIGHT” and then “WHERE ARE WE GOING? I NEED MY CAR! WHERE IS MY CAR? LEFT”

So… there’s really no way to calm him down.

 

This is a lot of TMI, but I guess that’s why I have this freaking blog in the first place.  Sorry there aren’t pictures.

Oh, and I should add, I’m fine. Considering the circumstances. I did hot yoga this morning and ate chili for dinner. It’s very difficult and emotional and maybe I am a victim, but I really don’t dwell on that too much. “Hidden victim” just helps me feel vindicated when I feel sorry for myself.  I should also add, my mom and I both take time for ourselves. We can both get better at this, but I’m pretty proud of both of us. Dad goes to daycare twice a week and I really live it up* those days!

If you’ve had experience with caregiving for Alzheimer’s patients, or experience just, like, with life please feel free to share with me! I need to get into a support group, but I suppose this is my first step towards that.

For more information on Alzheimer’s or to find out how you can contribute to finding a cure I suggest going to www.alz.org !

You’re all doing so well! Proud of you!

 

*stay in bed and watch hulu/netflix/cbs-whatever-their-streaming-thing-is/ hbogo and eat fun size snickers

I Can Really Have it All

Oh HAAAAYYYY subscriber! (sup, Sara)

Full Disclosure: Since turning 29, I have been in a pretty big funk. I’m not living my dreams – but not for lack of trying, my family is going through some pretty tough stuff, my living situation has been a little stressful, I’m making the smallest amount of money possible, my phone shattered yesterday, and even though I’m doing yoga everyday I’m also eating Taco Cabana every day, so my weight is just staying the same! – just a lot of stuff less than ideal. … “TMI MISS THANG!”

When I’m bummed I can be found in my car listening to certain songs on repeat to help me work through my sh*t. Do you guys know that Academy Award winning song “What a Feeling” from Flashdance? Y’all, it is so good. I listened to it on repeat while driving to work and cried silent tears of pride (jk they were audible tears). If you don’t know it, or need to be reminded of it’s awesomness, you can listen/watch here on YouTube (heard of it?)

.

This is the actual clip from the film (I think they cut some of it out though because in the film she, like, falls or trips and asks to start over and the judges are like “ugh, whatever, we’ve already seen a bunch of people totally fail and we really don’t expect much from you because you look like a welder (she is one) and your shoes are old and I just care about my cigar – that I’m smoking inside during your dance audition. That’s right, I smoke cigars casually in the middle of the day” and she starts over and then totally dominates like a #girlboss or because I’m a feminist just a #boss). Jennifer Beals is so super hot in this. I did no research, so don’t know if she did her own dancing, but that doesn’t matter.  Her stripping really did pay off and she gets into the school or gets the part or whatever she was auditioning for -I don’t remember I’m not a Flashdance expert- and it’s super exciting.  She would totally make the top 20 on So You Think You Can Dance! She really can have it all!  She took her passion and she made it happen!  So inspiring, y’all! Also, is that Rachel Bilson’s dad from OC at the end? He has roses! He loves her! This is the end of Flashdance, so sorry for the spoilers, but really you should have watched it by now!

Anyway, the song was on repeat and I belted my ice cold black heart out!  Imagine me scream/cry/singing along on repeat this morning.  It looked a little like:

and sounded like:

http://www.buzzfeed.com/stephaniemcneal/wedding-toast-medley?sub=3872009_6283658  at minute 5:23

and felt like:

I highly recommend you download “What a Feeling” right now and scream/cry/sing. It’s very therapeutic.  Y’all are doing so great! Keep it up!

Who Cares?!

So……………
Turns out – no surprise here – I’m not a very disciplined blogger. I had every intention of keeping up with this blog and changing the world with my witty words. Like with most things I take on, I couldn’t do it. Do y’all have that problem?

I recently QUIT SUGAR!!!!!!! No, I recently declared to everyone I could possibly tell that I QUIT SUGAR, but my 29th birthday was yesterday and it needed to be celebrated and so for the past 9 days I have fallen off the wagon and been eating, like, 50g of sugar a day. (Did y’all catch that? the past NINE days… like I needed to celebrate(mourn) turning 29 for so long? I’d lost 10 pounds, was so ecstatic about this, but I guess I really am an addict and, what’s that saying…? “Old addictions die hard” ?

Whatever, no one cares about me QUITTING SUGAR. I don’t even care about it – something made obvious by the 3 pounds of sugar weight I put back on in 9 days.

I guess what really matters is that I’m back on the blogging wagon and back on the no sugar wagon (after I eat the Kolache I bought). So, check back later for more assurance that your life is going pretty well. Proof by comparing your life to mine – something you should definitely always do. “Comparison is the soul of wit or something”  – Shakespeare (?) (j/k I majored in theatre arts)

Thanks for reading. You’re doing great!

Fashion Bloggin’

Oh hey subscriber!

So, I love fashion blogs!  Some of the blogs I follow are: Signeeroo, Kendi Everyday, Atlantic-Pacific, The Daybook Blog.  Two years ago I made a real effort to shape up my style finding inspiration from blogs and Pinterest. Unfortunately, I almost never look put together, even at work. I think it’s funny, so, every Tuesday, I’m going to post my #ootd (I had to google what that meant, so for those of you who don’t know it’s Outfit of the Day). It will be like I have my very own fashion blog.

This outfit was, no joke, what I put on after I dried off from my shower. I wore this to see a movie, on a walk with my friend this afternoon and to my tennis lesson tonight. I’ll work on my poses.

Shirt: Katie’s t-shirt drawer

Shorts: Gap

Shoes: A gift (Nike)

Makeup: NONE

Um, I can’t figure out how to do links yet, so… just like, type in Gap.com and Nike.com if you’re interested in those killer items.

Y’all are killing it!  At least you’re doing better than Mayo!

 

Musings over Taco Bell

Hey subscribers (subscriber – shout out to Sara Beth Davis, y’all!)!

Today, I was on call at work.  Yes. I am (not) a doctor.  I didn’t have to go in, so here I am, on the floor with a stiff neck, at 1:16 pm, in the clothes I slept in, watching Entourage, doing a load of laundry, and eating TACO BELL. It’s a glamourous life.

I have this idea of myself – well, an idea of who I want to be. I want to be someone who dresses to go to the grocery store and  who finishes books in a week.  But, I’m just a regular girl, who drives three blocks, braless, in her pajamas to get a bean burrito and crunch wrap supreme while on a DETOX at 1 pm and takes over FOURTEEN months to finish The Happiness Project.  Humanhood, to me, is all about embracing these completely unglamorous moments and  aspectsabout myself.

Anyone else remember when bean burritos at Taco Bell were 89 cents?!  Now, they’re 1.69 after tax.  Geez.

“We are rich. N…

“We are rich. Not in knowledge, but in fun having.” – Merry Miller (my friend of 10+ years during our freshmen year when imagining what we would say to the disciplinary board if we were ever getting kicked out of college)

Since turning 28 last month, I’ve realized I possess a wealth of knowledge regarding life. So, here I am, in my “vintage” (2006, pit stained, and very used) Victoria’s Secret robe at 3:32 pm on a Tuesday, starting a blog. Like, why not, y’all?  It’s my hope that through this blog the people who read it (my girlfriend and handful of close friends) will find some sort of solace from the often mundane, always difficult, occasionally uplifting journey called existence or… I don’t know… maybe I’ll refer to it as “humanhood”. 

 

Check back for inspiring or, at least, “thank God I have it more together than Mayo” thoughts.  You’re welcome, y’all!